I've been part of YoungLife for almost a year now, and when I look back on it, I haven't seen much progress. I see myself trying hard to open this door and that door, knocking and knocking, but not getting any answer. And I ask, "God, if this is Your will for me, why are these doors not opening?" I know that this is His will for me, I can feel it deep in my heart, but why is it not working? And when I stop and think, I realize my flesh has completely taken over. The desire to want to succeed. For doors to be opened.
It's my flesh.
The feeling of failure or lack of progress.
It's my flesh.
And I'm finally getting to a point, where my flesh is running out and all I have is Jesus. See, all along I've been saying, "It's Yours God. It's Yours." But really, I've been holding onto it. Is that why doors aren't opening? Is God waiting for me to completely lay it down. How do I completely lay it down when I don't even know I'm picking it up?
So many questions that run through my mind...
But God is good. And here He is revealing to me, my true heart and intentions. I read the devotional at the top of my blog today, and I thought, I'm finally getting to that point. I'm beginning to feel like, "Here God, I have no control over what's next, so I'm letting go and falling into your hands." A friend told me about a vision she had, and I might be getting it mixed with another, but here's what I see....
I'm walking along a cliff, balancing on the edge... God is trying to give me a finger to help me balance as I wobble back and forth, but I push Him away. "I've got it!" I see myself yelling. I finally get to a place where the cliff ends. I'm not about to fall, but I have a choice to fall. I have a choice to fall into His waiting hands. I look down from the cliff, and see His huge hand ready to catch me. But I HAVE to make the choice. He isn't going to force me. And so, I'm making the choice to jump into His open hands. Because, I'm at the end of my rope, my cliff. I don't want to try and open doors, pretending I'm letting Him do His will. I'm to the point where I think YoungLife isn't a possibility. But I hear God whispering, "Now it's MY turn."
Luke 18: 27--- "What is IMPOSSIBLE with men, is POSSIBLE with God."
God, would you do the impossible and break down walls? Father, would you show my heart who You really are. Not the God that sits in a box, but the God who does the impossible.
Father, no matter what the outcome, I thank you that You are still God, and You are not mad at me, disappointed in me, but You still love me the same. I thank you that You are the beginning and the end, and that WILL NOT change no matter the circumstance in my life.
Father, I thank you for showing me that I am weak. And I am sorry for trying to be the "prizefighter," and trying to get the glory. I am weak and nothing without You. I choose you, I choose to lay it at your feet. I choose to let go of controlling the wheel, and let You take over. I choose to rest in Yours hands, and accept whatever comes next. I want to be in Your will, not mine.
I choose to let You do the impossible.