Being Content...

I love how God is always revealing something new to us... it's like we think to ourselves, life is good and I'm in a really great place with God. I was thinking about that the other day when I realized, "God, I want you to reveal something new that I need to lay down." And sure enough... He has :)

As Jon and I go through pre-marriage counseling, we have had some great topics come up. Recently, our pastor brought up being content. It was dealing with the issue of money, but as I thought about it, it is applicable to all aspects of my life. Am I content? Am I seeking for things outside of Christ? Do I know who I am in Christ?

Hebrews 13:5--- "... Never will I leave you, never will I forsake you. So we say with confidence, ' The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid. What can man do to me?'

If I know the Lord will never leave me, nor will He forsake me, why do I worry so much? Why do I worry about my to do list? Why do I worry if all the pieces of the puzzle will be put together? Because ultimately, God is the first piece of the puzzle and the last. And if I keep searching for it everywhere else, it will never be put together.

Why do I worry about what others think?

These questions are always going through my mind, I become anxious when I think about all that needs to be done. About decisions I think I have to make. Many of the times, God has already made the decision, but I am seeking the answers elsewhere.

John 14: 16--- "... Counselor to be with you forever- the Spirit of Truth. The world cannot accept Him, because it neither sees Him nor knows Him. But you know Him, for He lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you."

No wonder I don't get any gratification from what co-workers tell me or friends. I have been given my guide, I have been given the answers. The Spirit is not someone that everyone hears or can turn to. I have to CHOOSE to listen. I have to CHOOSE to ignore my flesh. I have to CHOOSE to turn away from this world.

It's an on-going battle, looking for satisfaction in this world and being content with where God has me. I might not have a completed to-do list, everything ready for the wedding, a perfect budget, or everything I want... but, I do have HIM. I have been blessed with the MANY things in my life, I have a God who loves me for who I am. At the end of the day, I only want to worry about if I satisfied Him. "God, did I love you today? Did I serve you today? Did I accomplish the things you wanted me to?" Because my work is not unto man, but unto my Father.

At the end of the rope...

" What suffering and persecution and pain and difficulties do is not so much make us weak, as show us we ARE weak. Without them, we can deceive ourselves into believing we're prizefighters. With them, we're reminded that we're not constructed to function on our own power... Even though I didn't know what I might have to go through next, I could rest and accept it. Because now I knew that when I let go, I WOULD FALL INTO THE STRONG HANDS OF GOD." - Jan Dravecky

I've been part of YoungLife for almost a year now, and when I look back on it, I haven't seen much progress. I see myself trying hard to open this door and that door, knocking and knocking, but not getting any answer. And I ask, "God, if this is Your will for me, why are these doors not opening?" I know that this is His will for me, I can feel it deep in my heart, but why is it not working? And when I stop and think, I realize my flesh has completely taken over. The desire to want to succeed. For doors to be opened.

It's my flesh.

The feeling of failure or lack of progress.

It's my flesh.

And I'm finally getting to a point, where my flesh is running out and all I have is Jesus. See, all along I've been saying, "It's Yours God. It's Yours." But really, I've been holding onto it. Is that why doors aren't opening? Is God waiting for me to completely lay it down. How do I completely lay it down when I don't even know I'm picking it up?

So many questions that run through my mind...

But God is good. And here He is revealing to me, my true heart and intentions. I read the devotional at the top of my blog today, and I thought, I'm finally getting to that point. I'm beginning to feel like, "Here God, I have no control over what's next, so I'm letting go and falling into your hands." A friend told me about a vision she had, and I might be getting it mixed with another, but here's what I see....

I'm walking along a cliff, balancing on the edge... God is trying to give me a finger to help me balance as I wobble back and forth, but I push Him away. "I've got it!" I see myself yelling. I finally get to a place where the cliff ends. I'm not about to fall, but I have a choice to fall. I have a choice to fall into His waiting hands. I look down from the cliff, and see His huge hand ready to catch me. But I HAVE to make the choice. He isn't going to force me. And so, I'm making the choice to jump into His open hands. Because, I'm at the end of my rope, my cliff. I don't want to try and open doors, pretending I'm letting Him do His will. I'm to the point where I think YoungLife isn't a possibility. But I hear God whispering, "Now it's MY turn."

Luke 18: 27--- "What is IMPOSSIBLE with men, is POSSIBLE with God."

God, would you do the impossible and break down walls? Father, would you show my heart who You really are. Not the God that sits in a box, but the God who does the impossible.

Father, no matter what the outcome, I thank you that You are still God, and You are not mad at me, disappointed in me, but You still love me the same. I thank you that You are the beginning and the end, and that WILL NOT change no matter the circumstance in my life.

Father, I thank you for showing me that I am weak. And I am sorry for trying to be the "prizefighter," and trying to get the glory. I am weak and nothing without You. I choose you, I choose to lay it at your feet. I choose to let go of controlling the wheel, and let You take over. I choose to rest in Yours hands, and accept whatever comes next. I want to be in Your will, not mine.

I choose to let You do the impossible.